Before I begin with the post I had planned on writing, I need to address something about the previous post I had written.
*Note: It was made known to me that there might be some confusion about the “Snake Handler Church.” The IFB church that I attended at that time was *NOT* a snake handler church. I Repeat. It was *not* a snake handler church 😉
When my mom drove by that church, that day, she said that she was afraid it was a snake handler church, with “tongue in cheek”. So I am sorry for the misunderstanding. I was a bit frazzled and distracted with getting that post written, because of other things going on at home due to busy daily life. Like my five year old tugging on my arm asking for their 20th snack for the day. 🙂
OK! Now Then! 😉
I am not sure how to really begin writing this post. I wish the words would just freely flow…that my thoughts would stop cramping before they reach my fingers to the keyboard. My mind and heart has so many things it wants to say, but every time I think about actually writing it down…I get stuck.
The vocabulary just does not want to seem to come. I know it needs to come. It would be beneficial to actually identify what I have been feeling. Feelings are hard to put into words.
This past year has been one of my “best” years yet. I would say 200% better than when I was in the middle of the legalistic mess, and even after wards. I am beginning to gain some footing and understanding…as well as enjoying life!
One thing though. I seem to be stuck in the root issue of…. “I am not good enough”. Sure, spiritually speaking, I have made leaps and bounds! I have a firm foundation in Jesus Christ, and everyday growing more confident in His provision for me…. in everything. With Jesus, I don’t have to be “good enough“…I can be me…He takes me as I am. He teaches me and leads me into all truth.
It with everyone else I have the problem. Myself included. Am I good enough for my husband? Am I good enough for my kids? (This is the biggest area of struggle for me) Am I good enough to make real friends?
I have realized that while I have been healed spiritually and growing spiritually; emotionally? I am lacking greatly.
It is so hard to fathom, that Spiritual abuse, reached this far. Not only did it wreak my concept of Who God is and what He is like, and how He thinks towards me…but it also affected my emotions with normal every day interactions. Ugh.
What should be normal is blown up many times its real true size.
A writer on the new blog designed to help and encourage people influenced by Bill Gothard, said it very well, when they said,
” Things most Christians take for granted and don’t give a second thought, send me over the edge. Certain events often bring on inappropriate emotional responses that are disproportional to the moment.”
Yup…Uh huh. That’s me. Things most people can normally handle, send me over the edge. Those “normal” irritants, give me emotional responses that are significantly disproportional to that moment….
And, it all can be traced to that stinky phrase….”I am not good enough”. I am not a good enough wife, I am not a good enough mother. I am not a good enough friend. I am not a good enough cook. I am not a good enough cleaner of the home. I am not a good enough driver. I am not a good shopper (couponing vs eating “real” foods and not cardboard meals), etc., etc.,
Just this last Monday, I identified this menacing phrase, that nags me all the time. I didn’t realize it had been such a strong influence in my life, until I faced it head on like a ton of bricks.
But that explains the fear and panic I feel whenever something, that should only be slightly uncomfortable, happens.
And sometimes, rather silly things too.
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m not good enough”
It seems, as I deal with one layer that the legalism mess caused, I have another layer to deal with.
At first it is slightly disheartening to discover that I still think I am not good enough. But it finally *explains* something! It gives me something with which to work from. A validation of I am not as crazy as I think I am! There’s a reason why I can be so confused and emotional over simple things.
It’s normal, when one has been abused, (in my case spiritually) to have over exaggerated reactions.
For now. I am not sure what I am going to be doing with this newly discovered truth….it’s only been four days. I do know, that I will be taking it to the Lord. He knows that feeling:
” Isaiah 53:4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. ”
That gives me a lot of comfort….knowing that Jesus felt what I am feeling. And I will start to walk through this messed up layer right here, at this verse.
Jesus knows. Jesus understands. Jesus feels. Jesus cares.