Upwards and Light

It’s been a while since I last made a post. My heart wanders here to this blog very often, and I have this compelling desire to write. But then when I try to write, I get distracted.ย  Partly with “real life” issues. After all, I am a mother that is very busy. I home school as well. Being a mom and homeschooling are emotionally taxing jobs at times. When the end of the day comes, I would rather veg out and think of light and happy things.

Writing on this blog brings up heavy memories, and at times I struggle to remember them.

Doing, “light” things, and vegging out, has aided me in my healing so much this year. Past influences would most likely call it, shutting off my brain and denying reality. Well, if shutting off the heavy parts of my life and thinking about pleasant things is helping my mind to heal, I will continue to do it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I want this blog to have a purpose. I want it to be encouraging. I want it to help bring a bit of healing to some anxious soul. I want to write to process my own thoughts and emotions. Writing does help me do that.ย  And I enjoy writing about Spiritual issues and shedding light on the truth.

However, when reading other blogs along the same nature as mine, I sometimes leave feeling quiet heavy, and burdened. Not totally discouraged. But I guess I tend to become way too serious about everything in life, and have a hard time loosening up when the time calls for one to be loose.

Part of my legalistic background was that everything was just so serious. EVERYTHING. There was a positive or negative consequence for every choice, action, or thought.

About 99% of the time it was negative. ๐Ÿ˜‰ To question everything I did and worry if I had made the right choice, action or thought, was very taxing and tiring. To be serious all the time was taxing and tiring.

I am not criticizing those blogs that are serious the majority of the time. There is indeed a need and place for them in other people’s healing journeys. Serious blogs helped me when I was serious all the time.

But this year, has been such a huge year of growth for me as a person.ย  And one thing I discovered about myself, is that God did not design me to be a serious, black and white minded person. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with thinking with a black and white mind. God designed other people to think that way. But God in fact designed me to be a light and bubbly person.ย  He created me to be unstructured and spontaneous.

What I did to myself through legalism, was loose the real person God created me to be. The stiff structure,ย  and the “disciplined” lifestyle had majorly stunted my growth.

I became another person.

In writing this blog I don’t want to become another person. I handle legalism differently than a lot do. My story is not everyone elseย  story. My thought processes might be totally different from another person’s blog. The serious blog is not bad or wrong. It’s just not my style of writing.ย  I found that I was trying to adapt my own blog to many others styles.

I figured out why I have been subconsciously avoiding this blog.

First, every post of mine has leaned towards heavy.

I need to add some lightness and spontaneity on here.

I was dragging myself down with my own writing, which is why I have not posted much.

Second, every post was about my story. I was getting bored with it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

It was getting to be too structured for me.

I will continue to post bits and pieces of my story, but every time I blog, it will not be my story. I need to write whatever inspiration at the moment hits me. I will keep mostly on the topic of legalism, but it will most likely have a lighter side, or slant to it.

I mean look at my banner. I even designed it to be cute, and light and happy. That’s ME. That’s my nature. That is what God made me to be. Even when I tried so hard to be someone else, my real person tried to come out in little ways. Even designing a banner to be cute and light.

If you read one of my first posts, and you see where I was when I started my healing, You will see what trying to be someone else did for me. It led me to insanity. I don’t want to go insane again! ๐Ÿ˜€

So to honor who God made me to be, this blog will most likely take on a slightly different flavor. It will still be serious at times, because one cannot avoid being serious at times. Even me. ๐Ÿ˜€

But on the other side of the coin….there needs to be at times lightness and spontaneity and just plain fun. That way, I’ll be more inclined to write. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sometimes I just need to be more Upwards and Light…and see where the journey takes me. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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6 Responses to Upwards and Light

  1. Stephanie says:

    Oh yes! Everything was so serious!!! How I can identify with that. It was as if I was addicted to intensity–heavy news, heavy preaching, heavy reading. We were strongly discouraged from being “foolish” and encouraged to be “serious-minded” which lead to a very intense way of life. It has taken me years to learn how to relax and have fun, and how to have a mealtime chat or daily conversation that doesn’t always revolve around something heavy.

  2. hopewellmomschoolagain says:

    Please keep writing! Glad you are back!

  3. Hillary says:

    YAY! Good for you. ๐Ÿ™‚ God bless you!

  4. Grace says:

    So glad to see a post! I can relate to SO much of what you have written. I’m still trying to get out of “it” Your blog gives me hope. Thank you โค

  5. Melanie says:

    Quote: “What I did to myself through legalism, was loose the real person God created me to be. The stiff structure, and the โ€œdisciplinedโ€ lifestyle had majorly stunted my growth. I became another person.”
    I feel the same way about myself… Before the “ultra-conservative days” I was lively, outgoing, full of imagination and enthusiasm. But when we started slipping into the ultra-conservative, odd mix of IFB, Mennonite, Vision Forum, and ATI mindsets, I totally lost my personality. I quenched my independent, outgoing, creative, fun-loving nature for one that was over-serious, critical, always finding fault in everything and everyone, unable to see the joy and magic in life because I was too busy seeing the evil. At 19, I am just recently beginning to gain some of “me” back that I’d lost, and it’s taking a while. I am, however, about to embark on writing my first fantasy novel since I was probably nine years old… it’s good to feel free to imagine and create freely again. ๐Ÿ™‚
    P.S. I enjoy your blog very much!

    • You and I must have a lot in common. I have the same hodge podge of IFB, Mennonite, Vision Forum and Bill Gothard thing going. Good for you finding “you” again. You are a lot younger than I was when I started to heal. I was about 27 I think. So I am excited that you are finding this out while you are still young. Have fun with your novel! (((hugs)))

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